Front-row Avoider Gifts

"I don't want to sit so close to the stage that the actors can see my eyes glaze over."

Crowded Ice Fishing

"It's essential I go to work to avoid being with my family."

'I beat the 5 o'clock rush... I leave work at noon!'

"We're going to see my family. There's an extra twenty in it for you if we never get there."

' I hit two good balls today - when I stepped on that rake.'

"Didn't read the book, missed the movie, but I've been to the theme park."

'Oh good! - I hate long lines!'

'Next time you feel like keeping in touch, keep in touch with somebody else.'

"Let's see what's going on in the world."

Nervous at a party.

"It's great things are back to normal, except that there are people everywhere."

'I'm going to prescribe for you to stay away from the news on TV and all social media!'

" will enver read that book, and I"m eagerly waiting to avoid the movie."

L.A.: Still No Pro Football

Fred gives up his MP3 Player in favor of conch shells.

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

Election Cancelling Headphones

'I'd like to request flexible working to avoid my family.'

2016 Policlicks

The Occupy a Barstool Movement.

"Don't tell the boss, but I'm leaving early to beat the traffic."

'How To Say No To Sales People'.

'I'd like to ask the council's advice on how to get the congregation to sit closer to the front of the church.'

"Gah! Too many people!"

"I envy you, not having any idea of what's going on these days."

'Been coming here for years and never bumped into anyone who knows me . . . weird!'

We moved to the sea to get away from the crowd, only to find they'd moved to the sea.

Good parenting.

"I've got a rare, front-row parking spot. I know I can't stay here during the holidays, but I'm allowed to dream."

Worm running away from hook.

"This is crazy! Why can't they give us one e-reader with all our school textbooks already on it? That way...I can ignore just one book instead of this whole stack!"

'The news on tv is SO depressing, I've decided to stop watching it.' 'Is that permitted?!'

"Well, it might interest you to know that 'running naked' means running without a watch or iphone."