Friends With Pregnant Partners Pillows

'Still five months to go....what a time to discover I suffer from claustrophobia.'

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

'As you can see, it's too late for a termination...Baby is capable of surviving outside the womb...'

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

"Underwater Childbirth Ward."

'I'm afraid we can't deliver your baby until your CRB check comes through.'

"Congratulations! It's a pain in the ass."

'I trust this is a non-smoking uterus!'

Baby in womb chooses from multiple choice pregnancy symptoms...

"I didn't realise it could be so complicated!"

'Yes, technology has come a long way, but the baby won't have a touch screen.'

"Dear Mum. As contractions begin I thank you for letting me share your uterus. When do I get my bond money back??"

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

"Wow! According to this if I dig straight down I'll find a delivery suite."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

Sonographer and pregnant couple looking at images of the fetus on a screen with options to share the image on various social media platforms

"Nine months in here?? I trust I can get out in seven months with good behaviour!"

"Would you like to cut the cord?"

'I'm afraid we don't deliver on Sundays.'

Childbirth and Covid 19

'When are you going to take it out of its original package?'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

Books: Names That Will Make Your Child Hate You!

'...And there's the hands - it looks like - well, it looks like he's texting.'

"Now they tell me there's a departure tax."

The Ultrasound.

Birth canal: Keep clear at all times.

'I told you we should have packed a lunch.'

'In the owners manual it's listed as Foetal muzak. I call it gurgling intestines!!'

Ingredients: me

"We don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s not annoying."

"How does the stork figure into this?"

The Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'I'm a fully qualified puppeteer!'

'Now remember, it is never too soon to start thinking about a pension.'