Friend Who Loves Modern Art Gifts

'Projectile painting.'

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'It's my homage to Picasso.' (Snowman is all mixed up with eyes and nose in odd places)

"Well....I could've done this!"

'It's a Joan Biro.'

"No, ma'am. I'm not sure what the difference is between being creative or just plain weird."

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

"You're welcome."

Klimt Kiss Phones

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

Schools of Art - A Rough Guide.

'I can make out the nude, but I don't see the submarine.'

The signing of Ben Franklin's non-disclosure agreement.

Cats at private view

Jackson Pollock Studio

Jackson Pollock: abstract; Picasso: cubism; Bobby: eight year old

"I don't know anything about art, but this is a damned good Martini."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"I was going to call it 'Empty Plinth', but then I settled on 'Winter's Smile'...I wanted to capture the 'nothingness' of an 'absence of anything'..."

"Swiping won't cut it sonny-boy, you have to physically walk to the next painting."

Picasso: The Early Years

"I just cleaned that glass! How can it already be covered in nose prints?!"

"How do I know this isn't a performance art piece?"

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

'I don't care if Jackson Pollock did start out this way. We are drawing kittens.'

A sign that reads "ART...and plenty of it!" hangs above the entrance to a museum.

'At least I never have to straighten it out.'

"I'll give you $5 for that shirt."

"Tracy Island offers palatial splendour in the safest of environments. Your beds are unmade because this is Tracy Emin Island."

The Cremaster Cycle

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

Art Gallery.

'I'm going to add to the confusion. I'm going to sign my name upside-down.'

"Feel better, dear?"

'What do you suppose he's trying to say?'