Friend About To Give Birth Gifts

"Keep pushing, I can see the head!"

'We had the baby's ultrasound photo made into wallpaper.'

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

'As you can see, it's too late for a termination...Baby is capable of surviving outside the womb...'

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'

"Underwater Childbirth Ward."

-THIRTY thousand? I thought you wanted TEN thousand? -I'm having triplets!

'I'm afraid we can't deliver your baby until your CRB check comes through.'

'Yes, technology has come a long way, but the baby won't have a touch screen.'

"I didn't realise it could be so complicated!"

"Wow! According to this if I dig straight down I'll find a delivery suite."

Women pay for one hour of uninterrupted sleep.

Moms gone wild

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

Sonographer and pregnant couple looking at images of the fetus on a screen with options to share the image on various social media platforms

"Nine months in here?? I trust I can get out in seven months with good behaviour!"

'I'm afraid we don't deliver on Sundays.'

"Would you like to cut the cord?"

'You say that he's so good that you 'Don't know you've got him', so what's the point of him?'

Childbirth and Covid 19

'When are you going to take it out of its original package?'

Books: Names That Will Make Your Child Hate You!

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'I never know how much to leave for lunch.'

Birth canal: Keep clear at all times.

The Ultrasound.

"Now they tell me there's a departure tax."

'I told you we should have packed a lunch.'

"We don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s not annoying."

"Yecch! How can something so sweet put out something so yucky?"

'I already have four girls. I picked out the names for this one. If I give birth to a girl...Jennifer. If it's a boy...hooray!'

'In the owners manual it's listed as Foetal muzak. I call it gurgling intestines!!'

The Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'I'm a fully qualified puppeteer!'