Friend Who Is Expecting Gifts

'I told you we should have packed a lunch.'

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"

Baby Shower.

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

'As you can see, it's too late for a termination...Baby is capable of surviving outside the womb...'

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'

"Underwater Childbirth Ward."

-THIRTY thousand? I thought you wanted TEN thousand? -I'm having triplets!

'I'm afraid we can't deliver your baby until your CRB check comes through.'

Baby in womb chooses from multiple choice pregnancy symptoms...

"I didn't realise it could be so complicated!"

'Yes, technology has come a long way, but the baby won't have a touch screen.'

Moms gone wild

Women pay for one hour of uninterrupted sleep.

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

"Wow! According to this if I dig straight down I'll find a delivery suite."

Sonographer and pregnant couple looking at images of the fetus on a screen with options to share the image on various social media platforms

"Nine months in here?? I trust I can get out in seven months with good behaviour!"

'I'm afraid we don't deliver on Sundays.'

"Would you like to cut the cord?"

'When are you going to take it out of its original package?'

Books: Names That Will Make Your Child Hate You!

'...And there's the hands - it looks like - well, it looks like he's texting.'

Childbirth and Covid 19

'You say that he's so good that you 'Don't know you've got him', so what's the point of him?'

The Ultrasound.

"Now they tell me there's a departure tax."

Birth canal: Keep clear at all times.

"Keep pushing, I can see the head!"

'In the owners manual it's listed as Foetal muzak. I call it gurgling intestines!!'

"We don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s not annoying."

The Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'I'm a fully qualified puppeteer!'