Fresh-squeezed Fanatic Gifts

"She's asking if it's fresh-squeezed. Should I tell her to f**k off?"

"If oceans are absorbing more carbon dioxide, why isn't this water fizzy?"

The last song before the party exploded.

"You know that moon was passed a minute ago?..."

'Just three pieces of cake for 200 hundred guests?'

Chef picking salad leaves from a hanging basket outside his restaurant.

Champagne Charlie.

Hey boss, it's April 13th. A couple years ago, you said come back April 13, 2015, and we could talk about you giving me a raise. Yes, but that was predicated on the notion that you'd need a raise by now. I see you're still alive. Clearly you haven't starved to death. You smell minty-fresh, so clearly you haven't been forced out onto the streets. Karl Marx said it best: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need." I'm pretty sure that is not what Marx meant.

'Do you mind if I take a straw?'

'...but since no fossils of dinosaur clothing have yet been found, what you see here is mostly speculation.'

Justice for a heckler.

Say, I just had a thought

'This cola only has half the calories, so if I only drink half that would be no calories!'

'I'm afraid I have bad news for you. That sweet tooth has got to come out.'

Farmed Salmon Restaurant - Everyone squashed together.

"During Lent we must share with poor children what we have in abundance."

Noel Fever

'Little Miss Muffet 2009'

'I'm afraid it's worse than we thought. The creamy nougat has spread to your head.'

Kangaroo in a hurry.

"Daddy will be home shortly. He's doing a little moonlighting."

Farmers Market. These fresh vegetables are phenomenal! It's uncanny!

The sea salt here is so authentic.

Puppy puts deodorant on the slippers.

Belly-Swelling Tooth-Rotting Pop - Now With Up To 10 Spoonfuls Of Sugar.

"I'm a big devotee of fasting."

Fresh milk - Self service

Dear valued customer - Due to a defect in the parachute you purchased from us, it fails to open in midair. Just FYI. Bring it to us for an adjustment at your earliest convenience. Have a nice day.

Hen sells her eggs direct at egg farm.

"Like the sign says, freshness guaranteed."

"I need an appointment."

"I love putting on clothes fresh from the dryer."

The Hellish Sermon

Rachel Hilbert caricature

"Bubbles, huh? Call it what you want...it's still just gas."