Formality Jokester Pillows

To Hell with Protocol, Walk In

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

"It's World Cup Soccer, Tia Carmen. The U.S. vs England."

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

"Why, Vicar, I'm Eve in the Garden of Eden, surely..."

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

That isn't what prove you're not a robot means, Bob.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

'One hundred and forty? You don't look a day over one hundred and thirty nine!'

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

"You idiots … we lost!"

'Todd don't be such a clown...'

"Apparently, I'm fun, but I'm no fun in bed."

Whatcha doing, dad? I'm at work. Logging on. Tree's Tree Nursery.

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

"I think Baxter needs a break."

"Remember, the password is case sensitive."

Dorothy gets a visit from her funny Valentine.

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."