Football Pundit Gifts

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

Crucified for off-air comments.

'Put the kettle on darling.'

"Eh? What? Eh? I'm sorry, I dozed off during all that cross-field and back passing."

Another long day down at the Bureau of Earthquake Prediction.

'Now that's the Group of Death.'

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

'Double Dannys': Danny Baker and Danny Kelly.

Official Rhetoric About Leakers and Whistleblowers, Translated

'The centre-forward wins a foul!'

'You're going to stitch me up in this interview aren't you?'

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

Mudville

"You know our 'Never-Overwhelm-The-Reader' policy. Your story is irrelevant, trivial and stupid but not irrelevant, trivial and stupid enough."

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

'Remember young brave to always face evil without fear...To have our tribe on foam and underwear!'

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

Free Speech has heavy price.

'My dad's a soccer announcer.'

"We're TV pundits debating the issues."

'But I don't mean to bite people...they just get caught in my teeth.'

Match Fixing in Malaysia

World Cup. Half Empty.

"These days, professor it's "T.V. punditry or perish.""

'I really think you should check your pools, sir.'

'This mindless blather is edited for TV.'

'An expert is one who knows tomorrow why the things he said yesterday didn't happen today.'

Before you read the Guardian, ask yourself: do I need to?

If at first you don't succeed, deflate the football.

"Wait, all the screaming, and cheering, and swearing – you've been faking liking football the whole time?"

Ostrich with head buried in newspaper

"Oh no! It's foot 'n' mouth season again."

"Why do footballers never shake a fist when they miss?"

Vernon Trunick with the 3 O'Clock Report