Football Die-hard Gifts

'I can't afford a season ticket and clothes.'

The Flying Pig: Free drinks (if England win on penalties)

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

I like the Jets...I guess

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

'Frank built it himself. The last football will fall through the hourglass 10 seconds before the Super Bowl starts.'

"Do you do temporary ones that last about two weeks?"

If nobody had invented graphics

'Originally he was the mascot until we discovered he had a golden foot.'

Punt Cake

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

Raheem Sterling

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

'Now that's the Group of Death.'

"I'm not using my jumper as a goalpost, sir, I'm using it as a jumper."

'How many times have I told you not to hit the ball with your head?'

Football

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

Bears

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Big screen TV.

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

Sport: Crisis in the Real Madrid.

Kenny Dalglish

'I told him if he didn't get here quick he'd miss out on all the beer and food.'

"Next time you score show a little respect and don't spike uncle Frank so hard."

"All of a dither as per usual!"

This is a great game --- All except for that blimp. It keeps reminding me I've already broken my diet resolution. Pizza. Chips.

'Oi, nobody gives me a kiss.'

"This crucial pre-game drill keeps you focused and eliminates distractions!"

'I've never seen so many strikers in one team before.'

'I got a reverse hat trick. I let three goals in.'