Foodie Under Siege Gifts

"Dear Mum, please stop sending me food parcels..."

Cafe Burns.

'I burned my fingers by touching the hot breakfast eggs, but next time, I'll peel them before I put them into boiling water!'

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

'My French is not so good.'

"He's a fussy eater."

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

'You have to lose weight. Stop having intimate dinners for two, when you are not expecting anyone to join you.'

All You Can Eat Buffet: "Remember, my safe word is 'Diabetes.'"

'It started out with lactose, but ow he's intolerant of everything.'

We'll pass on the entrees...

"He cooks under the guidance of a smoke alarm."

"Did you notice the smirk on his face when he said 'enjoy'?"

"I'm looling for ground beef that's organic, non-GMO, and doesn't contain meat."

"You asked me to keep a food diary, this is last week's!"

'You can eat, but you must never again drink and be merry.'

"Fred? Can you help me? I'm really in a jam."

'Grate two hundred grammes of cheddar cheese...' - 'Uh-oh.' - 'Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...' - 'Cheese gives me nightmares.' - 'Argh!!! No!!! Make it stop!! I can't take the pain!! No!! Arghhhh!!!'

"I used to be a foodie. Now I'm a fussy glutton."

'Now that I can afford anything on the menu, I can't digest anything on the menu.'

"Besides it having no atmosphere, this restaurant seems to have a very bad attitude."

"I never thought I'd be saying this, but I'd like some hospital food."

Policeman wishing for lighter food than meat in hot weather

Me On A Diet: "I should not be eating this!"

"Could Doctor see him now-I have the dinner to cook."

'Please be careful, sir, the plate is hot.'

'Allors Monsieur, let's see... one fish meal... one phone call for the ambulance... that'll be 79,70.'

'I don't think it's so much my inability to lose weight as it is my ability to find it.'

"Careful, I'm spilling your shrimp bisque all over the place."

'What do you mean, the food is terrific?'

'How many times did I tell you 'Don't eat the free samples given out on the street!'?'

Guy begging for money holding his hat out. Next to him an out of work chef holding his frying pan out begging for money.

"Think of it as cajun blackened oatmeal."

'Of course I've burnt your dinner. You're in hell!'

"A tip?... Yes, I'll give you a tip. Never eat here, the service is terrible!"