Foodie Fixers Pillows

Clockdown

Airline Debts: Layoffs to help us stay afloat.

Christmas tree with wadded up lights.

'I am willing to concede that the company has been underperforming of late...'

Waiting for Pants

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

His verbal skills are developing, but his motor skills are very advanced. (Originally published on 2009-02-01).

Delivering red ink to the Berueu of Management and Budget.

"That vulture just appeared and started picking at my phone. My battery must have died."

'My hero!'

"We probably need to rethink our revenue strategy for the practice."

"Post-holiday dieting will be much easier this year. Our disposable cash flow will be diverted."

'I told him over and over again never to press 'delete' more than twice!'

"It got so bad that had to bring Jones in to turn things around."

'Of course we can fix your sweater but we'll have to contact the sheep to match the wool!'

'Let me tell you why I'm here...'

"Well there it is in black and white gentlemen, we're in the red."

"Get back here and clean out your desk."

It's too hard to clean my closet. Take out everything. Throw them into "keep", "donate" or "toss" boxes. Ok. Done!

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

Misread tsp as tbsp.

Waiter to diner: 'I'm going to return you to the main menu.'

"I'm here to fix the lasagne."

"It's time to break up the company!!"

"Dad, I'll assemble yours if you assemble mine."

'They can be a real menace at this time of year.'

"You've come to the right lawyer. I not only do divorces, I also specialise in bankruptcy proceedings."

"Tell Santa that Rudolph's check engine light is on."

'Needs salt.'

'You've done a fine job throwing money at problems, Senator, but I think it's time to bring in a reliever.'

"The problem with our marriage is that we can't afford marriage counselling."

'My cash flow? It flows right out of my hands to my creditors.'

11 Ways To Avoid Chapter 11.

"If the board cuts our budget any more, I'm going to have to start stealing the kids' lunch money."

'Maybe you could get dressed faster if you lost that speed bump around your waist.'