Food Label Sleuth Pillows

"Apparently, some of the additives cause a nerve disorder, but others cure it."

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'Dorothy - we're not in the health food section anymore.'

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

'...Contains Phixe-knide, TBHQ, hydro-cla, Cyklid, Yetfopnmide - and other unpronounceable stuff.' (grocery store)

'Advanced warning: High cholesterol 10mtrs ahead.'

'You're lucky you can't read.'

Processed foods, unprocessed foods.

'It appears that 'reduced fat' means high fat, 'lo-fat' means plenty of fat, and 'fat-free' means some fat.'

"Boneless, gluten free, vegan, grass fed, free range, bananas."

Now With Organic Artifical Additives

"It's a game changer. . . carrots and hummous batons but we've managed to make them out of sugar."

One of several sugar maple trees is labled sugar free.

'Orange juice from 100% carrots'

Lack of Nutrition Information

"This stuff comes with a prize! If you can pronounce all the ingredients, you get an honorary degree in chemistry."

'You have to send in $5 for a decoder ring to decipher the list of ingredients.'

'This snack is vegan. It's 100% artificial ingredients.'

All Organic Pork: "Naturally smoked bacon my ass."

Thoroughbred Burger Meat

'What were you saying a minute ago, about not being able to judge a wine by its label?'

'This soup must be loaded with additives. The label says that 'frequent use of this product requires periodic liver function tests'.'

Health food and junk food

Carcinogenic/Non-carcinogenic.

"Looks like they've simplified the nutritional information."

"It says all the chemical ingredients in this food were made by organic, free fange scientists."

"Artificial coloring, artificial flavoring, artificial glop, artificial slop, artificial this, artificial that..."

Peanut Butter Warning: Contains Peanuts.

'Do you remember when food had food in it?'

'Blessed before 20/01/00'

'Apparently it's not suitable for the elderly or children...'

Food Formerly Sold As Milk/Food Formerly Made with Sugar/Food Formerly Known as Meat/Food Former Fried.