Food Label Skeptic Gifts

All Organic Pork: "Naturally smoked bacon my ass."

Now With Organic Artifical Additives

"Some of the additives cause a nerve disorder, but some of the other additives cure it."

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

Sure, I'll take a sandwich

"I'd hold off on the peking duck another five minutes...the show's almost over."

Gullib-Os

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten our genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

'...Contains Phixe-knide, TBHQ, hydro-cla, Cyklid, Yetfopnmide - and other unpronounceable stuff.' (grocery store)

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"I enjoy eating healthy – I just don’t like the food."

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

'And since this product consists of 100% artificial ingredients, we can truthfully say it's vegan!'

"I guess that pretty well debunks the fruits and vegetables are good for you myth."

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

'Eating several servings of vegetables everyday is very good, as long as they aren't just pizza toppings.'

Grocery Store - Warning: Contents may be hazardous to your health

'Organically-grown popcorn? Give me a break!'

"Sure, pal, whatever you say. Ha ha! The salmon is fresh."

"I'll get the onion soup... it's the only thing on the menu that I don't know why it's bad for me!"

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

"Can I substitute saltwater taffy for the five servings of seafood?"

"Oh, I do a little grass on occasion, but I avoid the heavy cruciferous greens."

"Boneless, gluten free, vegan, grass fed, free range, bananas."

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

"We used to think sugar and spice were all things nice - until that was proved to be a lie put out by global food manufacturers."

"All right, let's admit genetically-modified foods will have an effect on people. It's fifty-fifty it'll be a good effect."

'This restaurant has got zero stars, right? Every single one of them is well deserved.'

"What's healthy about breakfast cereals?"

'Boy! Did I get some bad news today! I found out french fries is a veg'table!'

"If this food is healthy, then what about the rest of the store?"