Flying Comic Gifts

William, have I ever told you you're the wings beneath my wind?

"‘Extra vile old ox’? No, sir – it stands for ‘extra virgin olive oil.’"

An old-time engineer enters the cockpit on a flight.

"There's only the four of us. I hope you like doo-wop."

'Thanks for flying in for the meeting.'

"Enjoy your stay at the Bat Hotel. Breakfast is at 7 a.m. The guano bucket is down the hall and to the left."

Astronaut: Pay and Display Only

"A votre sante!"

'I was hoping traffic would ease up after the polar ice cap melted.'

Advertising space on jockeys' bottoms

Members of the Luddite community carving computers from solid blocks of oak and maple

You will be surprised by the wild birds that will appear in your garden.

'This is your passenger speaking. Where the hell is my coffee?!'

'Stop complaining. We can't afford business class any more.'

Theme Park 'n' Ride

"Due to unforeseen circumstances, there will be no delays on the subway today."

'I always ask for a seat in the tail. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain...'

"I hardly fly anymore. The emotional baggage fees were killing me."

'Your $5 gets your 3 minutes in the lavatory--now how much toilet paper would you like to purchase?'

"I heard we're now legal in some states."

"With our lives it's all abut the journey. With our luggage, it's definitely about the destination."

Hand Luggage Restrictions.

Flying fish or sardines? (crowded airliner).

Why the long face?

Fat Biker: 'Maybe I shouldn't trust this bridge that much.'

'Will keep it down ... you're disturbing our pilot scheduling policy discussions.' Sleeping Pilots?

'Does this effect my Frequent Flyer Miles?'

ACE Airlines. Ask about our frequent flier bonus plan. I think it's nice of the airlines to give frequent fliers a free ticket to anywhere. They can go get their luggage.

"We are now jamming passengers into rows 24 through 36."

'How many frequent flier miles do you have?'

Excess Baggage: Airlines continue to come up with new add-on charges.

"Once again, we're boarding only our Elite Premium passengers at this time. Thank you."

Every now and then, Doreen liked to see how many people were paying attention to her safety talk.

Bob's Comedy Career Never Quite Got Off the Ground.

More intense body search at airport checkpoints.