Fitness Hacker Pillows

"I've been feeling healthier since I attached my fitbit to the collar of my neighbor's terrier."

March Against Big Tech: "Oh, wow, this has bee great for my step count!"

Weird things I do because of the internet

'WD-40 un-sticks things that should move and duct tape makes things that shouldn't move, stop.'

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

"I've had a lot of exercise today! I jumped to several conclusions, ran my mouth on the phone, and I just cycled through 500 cable channels!"

'She thinks I'm out every night training for the London Marathon.'

Giving Things Up For Lent.

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

And this model comes with a fitness tracker.

"Speed reader...?"

'Where you went wrong' Desk.

'Life if so much simpler since we called Family Ref.'

"I love these fitness bracelets! it's like having a tamagotchi, but the tamagotchi is you."

Seeing the marriage counselor.

"A hacker logged into my fitness tracker and stole my steps!"

"He downloaded one of those apps that helps you quit smoking."

"And the best feature of this shoe is you'll look Athletic even if you're not."

"Mom, vegetables may help me grow and give me energy, but what if I want to be short and underachieving?"

Secrets of Adulthood.

Finally, I found a good use for that leak.

Airport Security. I had to go through the security pat-down three times --- They had trouble believing this is just my body and I'm not hiding anything.

'I felt an overwhelming nostalgia for the old video games where you sit on your arse.'

Shut Yer Yapper and be Happy, Loser! There's a ton of so-called simple self-help books. The five most important questions: 7 habits of highly effective people: 7 steps to living at your fullest potential. Too many steps! She's going to be filthy rich.

"Well, last year I kicked gambling. . . the odds are 3 to 1 the New Year will be a good one."

'if your wife ever asks you to meet her at Pilates...don't! It's not a pizzeria.'

Smoking Cessation Clinic - Formerly The Pub.

Addiction Research Centre.

The Ten Resolutions

'When I run in place for 30 seconds, my pacemaker opens the garage door.'

"Dad, you never have to say 'take out the trash' again!"

'Scanning articles without finishing them on the Internet is affecting you. You're not finishing anything.'

Could I go back and forth a few times first? I've almost got my steps in for today.

"I'm starting my diet today."

Cyber-Cise: 'Let's start with 3 sets of 8 reps of uploading, rest and repeat for downloading.'