Fitness Abstainer Gifts

'I tried jogging once, but it frothed up my beer.'

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

"It's true: no more burpees."

"When was the last time you exercised something other than a purchase option?"

"I'm exempt from the company fitness program. I have triplets at home."

"I've had a lot of exercise today! I jumped to several conclusions, ran my mouth on the phone, and I just cycled through 500 cable channels!"

'Honestly, dear, I'm just giving my pedometer a rest.'

"You need to lose 20 cable channels."

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

"Shhh! I'm hiding from Mistress who wants to go on a walk! It's cold and raining outside: no way I'm wearing that stupid coat again!"

'The doctor said you need more exercise, so I've hidden the remote control.'

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

'Hey, we have one of those. You hang your laundry on it.'

'I tried running once, but I kept spilling my drink.'

'If you want to get some exercise, carry this out to the garbage.'

'If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them closer to my hands!'

And this model comes with a fitness tracker.

'My arms are getting shorter.'

"Will I still be able to not exercise?"

'Busy Dear ?' 'Just watching my exercise video.'

'The Ailing Matisse tries cutting out meat and dairy products.'

"I'm exhausted! I've just binge-watched the entire series of 'Fresh Air and Exercise.'"

"I considered riding my bike to work until I realized it involved pedaling and sweat."

'You need more excercize. But I'm drinking as fast as I can.'

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

'But, dear, I am walking the dog.'

The doctor told my husband to be active, but the only exercise he gets is running around looking for the TV remote.

'In that case I'll do nothing!'

"Can you send me a detailed list of knee exercises I could do at home but won't because I have no discipline."

'No thanks; can't handle caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or number six birdshot.'

"I can’t even find the motivation to quit my gym membership."

"The doctor wants me to exercise more, so I need you to lift my feet even more when you're not vacuuming."

The Sedentary Dead.