First Mate Gifts

"How can you feel queasy, we're barely out of port."

"Don't panic, I've instructed the first mate to deploy some flares."

'Don't worry. Sponges are standard equipment to soak up tiny puddles.'

"I think the lighthouse keeper is having a little fun with us, sir."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"This is the most important election of our lifetime."

'They sold the company in 2001? I was wondering why things were slow.'

'Is there any chance at all I could get you to stop leaving your pantyhouse laying around?!'

'Don't worry. They say the first 24 months of living in a house during remodeling are the hardest.'

Office Dunce.

'John, I have to get going. Here's my views on politics, sports, and automobiles in case some of the boys come in later.'

'Just for once, can't we have a picnic without your mates turning up to crawl all over the food?'

"Ah...summer...and umbrellas as far as you can see...it reminds me of England!"

'That's the last time I ask you to tie my shoe laces!'

House proud woman vacuums hair from dog.

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

'It's your round.'

Heavy-duty, super-capacity, two speeds, 10 cycles. All of them vicious.

"How do you know it's my leaves clogging the shower drain?"

Football tournament fever during office hours.

"Apparently, he's been trapped in his cubicle since 1944. Do you want to tell him World War II is over, or shall I?"

Band Practice

"You want to go shopping in Lisbon? Honey, give me 10 seconds to sign the order to invade Portugal!"

First Marriage

Signs you may be friends with a sheep....

"...and if your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump off a cliff?"

'This plumber you recommended...mate of yours, is he?'

"Till death do us part? Hey, I thought this was just supposed to be a starter marriage!"

'It's our first date. You don't know me well enough to ask if I'm getting enough fiber.'

Cat Delivery

'Hey, scratch my back and I'll scratch your back.'

It's good to get together with friends!

'I can't get John to do a thing to the garden!'

Australian stress counselling.

'Ned taps his pencil, Jill hums and Bill whistles - form a band, guys, and take it on the road!'