Fine Dining Jester T-Shirts

"I'll have the 'All you can eat from the menu, the kitchen, and the dumpster' special."

"You owe me five bucks."

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'He's all eyes!'

Dentist Trip

"What, exactly, did you say to the maître d'?"

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'Your tomato ketchup is on it's way, Sir...'

"I forgot how to tie mine, too."

"While you're waiting for your order, can I pick something off someone else's plate for you?"

Frisbee dog catching pizza dough

"Just how rare is this steak..."

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

Middle Age Spread.

"If you have one more round it's considered a main dish."

'Hoopla!'

'Dear, this is gift shop number 3. You now owe me 1 bait & tackle, 1 hardware store, and a bar.'

'You can tell the age of a horse by the teeth...but who wants to bite a horse.'

Waiter, there's a fly drowning in my soup. Try mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

'House red please.'

"Keep it long at the back and big and bushy on top please."

'We don't have pressed duck, but we could shove around a chicken for you.'

'The bad news is we have to amputate your liver - the good news is it'll be great with onions!'

'Leave us alone, you big bully!'

"Good heavens! She cooked Uncle Henry!"

"Table for three?"

'The food is disgusting.' 'And such small portions.'

'Let's see... that's one 'last week's leftovers' and two 'third grader's homework', right?'

"That's the smoke alarm - our dinner must be ready...!"

"A white whale took my leg, but I lost my eye to the ship's cook and a frozen fish finger!"

"Would you describe yourself as conservative voter."

"I never use the Express Lane. I like to keep my money a little longer."

"Judge Edelman is taking the chicken livers under advisement, Gertrude; I've decided in favor of the veal; and Judge Hefferman seems to be recusing himself."