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Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Hoopla!'

Don't be fooled by the theatrics. She'll only suck your sap!

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

"How fresh is the calamari?"

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

'Would you care for some fresh pepper? Well too bad, because all we have is these dried up old peppercorns.'

Husband bakes a pie

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

"Gigot de sept heures."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'He's all eyes!'

'I had the recipe upside down, so it's beefed corn.'

'Guess what I'd like to see disappear next.'

"More helium."

'I'm sorry the cod was not as good as when you came a month ago. It should have been - it was the same fish...'

'I hate it when they order scrambled eggs.' (chef shaking chicken).

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

'Diet? Yeah I'm on a prop's diet...pies,chips,burgers and coke!'

A man flips a pancake onto a child's head

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'Your tomato ketchup is on it's way, Sir...'

'Make it four beers and an '02 Brunello di Montalcino, if you've got it, for you-know-who.'

Spaghetti Mummy

Frisbee dog catching pizza dough

"Just how rare is this steak..."

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"Do you have a dollar menu?"

'It's her signature dish.'

'Purpose of visit?'

Middle Age Spread.