Gastronomic Jester T-Shirts

"... Would I like a 'doggie bag'?... No, thanks. But, you could bring me a 'sick bag'."

Don't be fooled by the theatrics. She'll only suck your sap!

"You owe me five bucks."

Peter Pan, the Utensil that Never Grew Up

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

Husband bakes a pie

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Gigot de sept heures."

'He's all eyes!'

"More helium."

'I had the recipe upside down, so it's beefed corn.'

'Diet? Yeah I'm on a prop's diet...pies,chips,burgers and coke!'

A man flips a pancake onto a child's head

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"Which one of my fiendish offspring defaced the bordelaise recipe with SpongeBob?"

'I hate it when they order scrambled eggs.' (chef shaking chicken).

'Your tomato ketchup is on it's way, Sir...'

Frisbee dog catching pizza dough

"While you're waiting for your order, can I pick something off someone else's plate for you?"

Spaghetti Mummy

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'Purpose of visit?'

Middle Age Spread.

"Just how rare is this steak..."

'You want to become a vegan?... Well okay, but you do realise there'll be nothing lower than you on the food chain?'

'Don't give me that 'hairball' excuse again. Just admit it - you don't like my cooking!'

'Hoopla!'

'I never see the dog complain about my cooking.'

'Whatever fast food - fried stuff, fat, sugar, salt for the 'Doesn't Bother Me' person'.