Financial Fixer-upper Fan Gifts

Bankruptcy Attorneys: "If you ain't broke, we can fix it."

'As my solicitor I think you could have negotiated that better.'

"...And this is the part where he veers off course from the YouTube tutorial."

"So, how's the money pit in the kitchen coming?"

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

'You reached the Nervous Investor Fund's Hotline. The per share value is now 19.05, now 18.91, now...'

"I'm bored - let's buy a house in the country that has lots of problems."

"It's a major fixer-upper. How's your marriage?"

"Well, we're down to bare brick, natural wood, and raw nerves."

Man to pets about upside down house: 'I don't care who started it!'

'Hello, Acme Termite Control...?'

You're right, it's the house next door that gets the new window.

'Apart from his awful workmanship, my hubby's handy work is fine.'

"Fine, you win. I'll call a handyman."

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"Hello, and welcome to 'Homes Under the Hammer. . .'"

'Your husband started without me, didn't he?'

'When does the improvement phase of this home improvement project begin?'

Tune up $90. Tinker $20.

We'll take a carpenter, painter, plumber...

"Thanks to our self-driving car, Fred channels all his road rage energy into doing chores around the house!"

'He may not be accurate but he's resourceful'

DIY information - 'Here you are - look it up yourself.'

Darn you, you stupid hammer!

"This does NOT count as fixing the leaky faucet, mister!"

"According to the instructions, if the product is found to be faulty, dispose of it responsibly and purchase another."

'Not only did I fix the leak, but when you run the hot water it plays 'Harlem Nocturne'.'

Moe's Fix-It Shop - No Heroic Measures

'We could either give you a $50,000 home improvement loan, or $2,000 to just blow your house up.'

"If we remove the stalactites and replace some rocks, we could flip it for a profit."

'While we're on the subject, when are you going to do something about those potholes in our driveway at home?'

Well paid job

"This isn't a fixer upper. It's a down-and-outer."

"First thing when you get home tonight help me with the refrigerator."

A Tax Auditor Prescribes Treatment For A Doctor's Condition