Financial Advice Critic Gifts

'My investment advice is to relax, stop and smell the roses, dig up the roses, bury a million dollars beneath the roses.'

"DeepSeek" "Stargate"

Pillaging, formerly Acquisitions Department

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

"You never actually own a pension pot - you merely look after it for the next government."

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

'Diversify, diversify, diversify. Never keep all your eggs in one basket, unless it's Easter.'

World Financial Mafia

Trickledown economics

'You've come a long way with your anger this year. In fact, I feel that you are ready to meet a special friend of mine...'

"But they told me I was too big to fail."

"Financial Adviser advises client 'I advise you that you're broke'."

'George, are you responsible for chopping down this here World Economy?'

'If you had more criminal potential, you'd get a bonus like all the other investment bankers!'

If you're so good at picking winning stocks, why do you still have to work?

"We can't all work for Goldman Sachs."

Mismanagement at the Bank of England

'I have an expense account, but it's a joke.'

'I'm can't tell if this card from our insurance company is optimistic encouragement or a threat!'

Why Can't We Make Money From Our Mistakes Like Equifax?

"The only psychological treatment covered by your insurance is to cry into this teddy bear."

Where HMO's are headed

"I didn't realise we were applying for another loan... I thought you were a marriage guidance counsellor!"

Doctor to man: 'You'll need to empty your pockets. For symbolic purposes, let's start with your wallet.'

"Your insurance company decided the heart surgery isn't necessary, but they said they'd approve breast augmentation."

FIRST NATIONAL BANK OF, 'It's official, sir - EVERYBODY'S overdrawn!'

"For my dad's birthday, I'm giving him free advice on which tech stocks to buy."

'You're a bad credit risk so, yes, of course you can have some money.'

"If you hold it up to your ear you can hear the sloshing sound of trillions of dollars worth of unsecured debt."

'I'm sorry, but without a significant deposit, we can't give you a mortgage.'

'They say a fool and his money are soon parted. Here's a list of fools. Make it happen.'

"Let's begin with an x-ray of your portfolio."

The Adventures of Recession Man! M'lady, you seem distressed. I haven't had a raise in two years. My bills keep going up but my income has stagnated. Fear not. I can save the day. You can get me a raise? I can help you see things differently. We'll talk it out, then I'll give you a back rub, and you'll feel your anger dissolve into sweet kisses. Typical! some man fashions himself a superhero who can sweet me up in his arms and dismiss all my problems. Whoa, this economy's a powerful nemesis. It'

Banks or Loansharks?

'Let me get this straight, Reverend. You would now like to diversify the Church's 'No Sin' endowment to include some 'Greed'?'