Festive Security Monitor Pillows

"In this district constable, you can't be too careful!"

Elfie Stick

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

The Problem with On-the-fly Christmas Caroling

"Then you just run a VLOOKUP against the Naughty column."

Bad gifts

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

Festivus poles

The composer of the 'Twelve Days of Christmas' song.

Geographical Society Christmas Dinner.

"A nutcracker!! Hey...this thing looks used."

Here's the idea - A Christmas 'feel good' movie with a slasher twist. The title, 'It's a wonderful knife'.

"No, I'm not here to tell you you're off my naughty list for hacking. I just need to borrow your phone charger."

"...Won't be a minute darling, I'm just downloading Christmas."

May your Christmas be out of this world!

'Of course I believe in Santa. Just not a publicly funded one.'

People sneaking into a Christmas tree farm.

'You would think that he would have come up with a wireless solution for Rudolph's nose by now!'

'Instant Christmas happiness! ?1.'

"I'll take 'Jolly Old Elf' for $600, Alex."

Santa's Helpers

'That reminds me, we need more bandwidth.'

'HA! Just as I thought! These are DAD'S fingerprints, not SANTA'S.'

'In this district, Constable, you can't be too careful!'

"Well, of course my DNA was found at the scene, it's Christmas Eve!"

'Ho, ho, ho!'

"Nothing under me this year. We must social distance."

'This could be interesting, quick go and get the video camera!'

Rudolph vents. . . .

"There are never sleigh tracks on our roof, or soot tracks on our carpet. Maybe you're just fake news?"

"Night before Christmas or no night before Christmas, I feel like stirring."

Computer is set up to 'Chat with Santa' for children waiting in line.

'Oh, you kids must be looking for computerland...through the door to your left.'

A 'fruitcake disposal' receptacle is set out during Christmas time . . .