Festive Feast Master Gifts

"Problems with the turkey? - this is one of those chef's 'tricks' we use to resuscitate a failed dish."

Cut out and keep your own Christmas Caterer.

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

'Thanksgiving's no holiday for turkeys or the women who cook them.'

"Vegetables, vegetables, vegetables, welcome to my dystopian world!"

'Pigs feet, sir? 'ARE THEY PICKLED?'

'Do you have a traditional Christmas dinner, but for a lacto-vegan fruitarian?'

'This year, I thought I'd try a self-basting turkey!'

"We had this last year."

"What are you cooking for Thanksgiving, Tia Carmen?"

"After our big family holiday dinners, we always have some leftovers."

Too full after after Christmas dinner!

Wife leaving note 'midnight mass' on husbands distended stomache as she leaves house.

Mother Cowmas

An Organic Christmas

'Great, more trans-fats and cholesterol!'

Farmer Pickles Present.

"Carrying around all that extra white meat isn't good for your health."

'It must of crept on over christmas...'

"Holy cow! I've gained eight pounds!"

The need to run from the table screaming, has reached it's peak about an hour ago and has now subsided into a tolerable level of anguish where I only occasionally want to smash a fork into my eye socket. . .

"Mother's deviling the Easter eggs. Is that sacrilegious?"

Santa using reindeer antlers to play snooker

Xmas Cracker Cow with strange gift cow pats.

Post-Turkey Stress Disorder

'Just who do you think you're fooling, sir?'

"It's Valentine's Day, Miss Hanover. May we dot our i's with little hearts?"

"Venison... why do you ask?"

"He's say's he's eaten 200,000,000 mince pies, drank 150,000,000 glasses of wine, eaten 300,000,000..."

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel your Thanksgiving."

Doggie dining table

'After that 24 hour beer and fruit cake binge, you need a radical detox!'

'Yeah, me, too — I gained it all back over the holidays.'

A spoiled boy eating dinner.

'That reindeer's eating my sprouts!'