Festive Family Strategist Pillows

"Something with complicated instructions to keep my dad busy so I can play with my other toys by myself."

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

I figured out how we can pay for the kids' college tuitions. Do tell. I'm going to leave for a year of self-discovery, which I will chronicle in a best-selling memoir. Oh, but

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"I know it's not an ideal situation, Samantha, but how else are we going to afford a 160 gigabyte laptop, a top of the range mobile and a Playstation 3 for the kids presents?"

"Wheeeeeeee!"

"Of course, I'm willing to negotiate. . ."

'Tom will coordinate our pre-holiday point-of-purchase displays and Mark will coordinate our post holiday point-of-return displays.'

"This might take awhile, Lord."

'Santa is the delivery man, I'm the CEO. Do you know what a CEO is, Lisa?'

"Let's say an immediate $10.00 allowance increase plus an annual 8% cost of living raise and I'll call him off."

By teaching the parrot a few key phrases, Marilyn no longer needs to nag her kids.

"Sponsoring Christmas this year was an act of sheer marketing genius."

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

'Due to budget cuts we are having to take on more temporary staff.'

The Big Tree

Thanksgiving Feast. Get lots of turkey, but not too much of you'll have to take a pause at the nap box. I'm skipping the cranberries and going for the green beans and the potatoes. I'm at the stuffing now and getting bonus points for extra gravy! Hey! There's a shortcut through the corn, straight to the pumpkin pie! I win! Not so fast. You missed the most important spot where you give thanks for your family and friends. Oh, you're right. It's okay that I didn't win. I'll get you tomor

Halloween Mobile

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

'How come I never see you in church?'

'Sure, I'll take a meeting - but only if you've been very, very good,'

Santa using the stock exchange to keep track of stocks and bonds being good or bad as well as going up or down

Santa in 'A Christmas Box'

"If you're not a good boy, Santa will bring you only educational toys."

'Except...That.'

The Cricket on the Hearth - Title-page to the first edition

"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."

"Thanks for the super pirate ship, Mum."

"It's a snow-grandad!"

Christmas escape plan

Santa Claus Always Delivers

"This weekend is seriously messing with some of my previously held beliefs."

'Text your father and tell him I'm not talking to him!'