Festive Critic Gifts

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

Santa's Helpers

The composer of the 'Twelve Days of Christmas' song.

I find them annoyingly festive.

Bad gifts

A 'fruitcake disposal' receptacle is set out during Christmas time . . .

'Look at this piece of junk you brought me last year!'

MPs Christmas expenses - mistletoe claim

'Of course I believe in Santa. Just not a publicly funded one.'

Mrs. Claus has a ladies night out.

Christmas tree with wadded up lights.

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

Frosting the Snowman

Mrs Claus - North Pole Dancing.

"I don't believe in you!"

'I'm the ghost of Christmas future. I'm hammered, can we do this later...?'

Little girl hoses down walkway as Santa slips and falls

Christmas Presents.

Yo ho ho!

'I hate all holidays!'

The Problem with On-the-fly Christmas Caroling

Snowman has twisted, wonky carrot nose: 'Apparently, it's organic.'

'Whatever happened to 'Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.''

"As you can see, I've learned the alphabet."

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

Merry Kissmas

'Let's open presents Christmas Eve AND morning. That way Christmas lasts for TWO days.'

"Do excuse me, I've got a nuttiness allergy."

'I am the ghost of Christmas future...with fries!'

'Oh, Christ.'

'Naughty? Nice? Santa, I don't deal in absolutes.'

"Who cares what little kids think? What's important is that you believe in yourself."

'I agreed to guide you, My contract says nothing about pulling a sleigh,'

'I don't believe in myself any more.'

'Due to budget cuts we are having to take on more temporary staff.'