Festival Filmmaker Gifts

'Congratulations. All but one of you has been short listed.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Leslie Caron.

"Bloody hell!"

Film Festival. Events. Screenings. Ernie attends these festivals in costume. He's gone over to the dork side!

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

This side is the gag reel.

Dr. Frankenstein creates his newest monster, Frankenmime.

"You can tell it's a period drama because they're not wearing ozone helmets."

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

Crocodile

"Not fair! Being really into movies is my thing!"

The team video didn't spotlight my talents. I've hired my own film crew. They'll showcase my skills so college recruiters can see my strengths. Wow! How can the director pack so much into one little video? Great point! Daddy? Tell Steven Spielberg we're going feature length. Nice save!

Police film evidence

Now Playing at the Europlex

Kirsten Johnson

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

"Hello. I'm director Bob ('Blue Fires') Munsey and this is screenwriter Doris ('Highway to Nowhere') Winslow."

Script/Director/Producer/Decency Panel.

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

"Mom! Kathy's feeding her liver to the dog! Want to see the video?"

A father films his family while imagining himself as a director

Computer wheeled down red carpet at film premiere. TV presenter says: 'Now, at last, here comes the real star of the movie!'

I know I'm not qualified for the job, but watch my incredible video resume anyway. It got an Honorable Mention at Cannes!

"What I did on my summer vacation and how I optioned it to Miramax..."

My friend, Ernie, the documentary filmmaker, is producing a series about beverages. One film follows a man's search for the perfect lager. The working title is "The Beer Hunter." He found a group of young women in high school who are fantastic baristas. "Bean Girls." Espresso. Another movie will uncover animosity in the orange juice business. Maybe I should call it "Pulp Friction." And he's examining vineyards and winemakers all over the globe. I'll call the film "Planet of the Grapes"!

Movies through the decades.

King Kong

Outskirts of town with sign: 'Entering Centerville - a town without a film festival.'

'CHICK-FLICK' MALE LEAD CHARACTER ARC.

'I still say these shots need more action.'

Animation Film Festival. Great, now I have a toon stuck in my head.

'If whales are so intelligent, why do they swim near Japan?'

"Those pervs from the nature channel are filming us again."

'Great! So that's the film... Now for the sound!'