Fellow Executive Humorist Gifts

"I'm the greatest CEO with the biggest deals and you know why? Because I have the same felt-tip pens as Donald Trump!"

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"I'm afraid 'It's a surprise', doesn't cut it as a growth strategy."

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

"Actually, she's just a figurehead boss. Our real CEO is an algorithm floating around somewhere in the cloud!"

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

"In recognition of last month's little upward blip, I suggest we allow ourselves a spontaneous victory fist bump."

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

'It's a deal, lets sniff bottoms!'

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

"Obviously some people here don't appreciate the gravity of our situation."

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"The trend in tough economic times is to put off everything that doesn't require immediate action ? as this chart shows."

"Then we have an unspoken agreement?"

'Ah, Galagher, we made good use of your proposal.'

"Any questions?"

Please sit down. I can give you five minutes.

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."

'Bad news, sir -- there's a leak in our think tank!'

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

"Who wants to hear a funny story about the third quarter?"

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

'Gentlemen, I've been authorized to sweeten the offer.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'Will you kindly remind the rest of the staff that I'm the managing director - not the Godfather!'

"Serendipity is not a strategy."

'So do you want me to minute that George is dying of boredom and Nigel will rip my head off if I don't stop boring him with my blather?'