Fathers Pillows

"Well, the children are grown up, married, divorced, and remarried. I guess our job is done."

"Does this make us bad parents?"

'Relax, Ted, it's only a phase!'

'I'm too tired to listen to a story tonight, mom. Just e-mail something and I'll read it tomorrow.'

Couple with lots of kids. Woman says: 'This is our daughter, my son from my first marriage, John's daughter from his second marriage, and I've no idea who the one on the end is.'

"Better safe than sorry, son."

'...And this is our spare son in case the first one doesn't live up to expectations'

"The hardest part of homework is keeping my parents motivated."

"Those are my parents. Aren't they terrific?"

'We must be great parents...our children all hate us.'

"Andy plays perfectly well with others - it's others who don't play well with Andy."

'Ah ah! That's what I thought! The DNA tests prove that he is in fact a Cuckoo chick...'

"When I was your age, I was an adult."

"If you can get his parents to go ballistic, he can't hit a thing."

"Family vacation is an oxymoron."

'It followed me home, can I keep it?'

'She has great communication skills.'

'When did you first notice he had The Blues?'

'You wash, I'll dry.'

'Parenting skills don't come naturally. You learn from the experience of screwing up your kids just like your parents did.'

Letter from Camp* (*with Footnotes)

"I internalize my mother's needs Monday through Friday and my father's needs most weekends."

"The only problem with living at the top of a mountain is the constant stream of people coming to ask stupid questions."

'Mum, Dad... I know you'll find this hard to accept, but I'm afraid I'm straight!'

Baby spelling out 'I Want It All' with bricks.

'Relax, Ted, it's only a phase!'

'Where did we go wrong?'

Parents' social calendar and kids' social calendar.

Pardon me! My being born was your idea, not mine!

"I wasn't nervously hovered around enough as a child."

"Am I talent or product?"

BABY BOOK VOLUME XIV

Returning Christmas gifts.

"See I told you the dentist was a pussycat."

'Have you picked out a domain name, yet?'