Father Pillows

"I'd just like to know what in hell is happening, that's all! I'd like to know what in hell is happening! Do you know what in hell is happening?"

"One day Son all this will be yours."

"Thanks for almost everything, Dad."

"We're doing everything we can to make him comfortable, short of dressing up as male doctors."

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

"Son, if you can't say something nice, say something clever but devastating."

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

"Mom said Dad pulled a groin playing hockey. When will he realize he's not 60 anymore."

"For Father's Day, I'm giving my dad an hour of free tech support."

"I'm a social scientist, Michael. That means I can't explain electricity or anything like that, but if you ever want to know about people I'm your man."

A middle aged man tries to stop time from slipping down an hourglass.

Dickens' First Encounter with a Martini

Lawrence of Suburbia

"We're really bonding now, aren't we, Dad?"

"Someday all these anonymous accounts will belong to shell companies of which you will deny all knowledge."

"It's true. You were actually born a beautiful princess, but you were given to us to be brought up... and there's not a damned thing you can do about it!"

"Father would be much happier if you wouldn't."

"I don't care how good he is. Ain't nobody can get a short on Jeffrey."

Phil uses all seven tiles in Scrabble and ascends to heaven

"Behold the secret to happiness."

'Please stop...it reminds me too much of the markets.'

"Someday, son, this will all be yours—and underwater."

You're right-this is way better than a standing desk.

"Didn't I just give you money for a start-up last week?"

"I do support your right to free speech - I just don't support your tone."

'A raise in my allowance is fine, dad. But what I'm really after is power of attorney.'

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

'I love these senior citizen discounts.'

"Daddy works in a magical, faraway land called Academia."

"She does this when she's tired."

"Just how do you propose to pay for this giveaway?"

"For next Father's Day, we'll get you a tie clip."

"Son, you're old enough now for The Talk: everything you need to know about compound interest."

PSA Banter.

"Trust me, son, if there was a monster under your bed I would have claimed it as a dependent by now."