Fatherhood Satirist Pillows

#1 DUD

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Only 150 kids? - Have you considered fertility treatment?"

The Mothership

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

The finer points of marriage.

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"Bottled or breast?"

"Hey. Smells funny. Fix it. And bring me a beer."

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"I never thought I'd get married again."

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"We can determine your child's gender, IQ and student debt load."

"Being from another planet is worth thirty points towards your child's admission to Harvard."

'Fathers Day.'

'It's time you knew, Son -- you were abandoned here as a child by aliens.'

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

"Of course Daddy could explain what a superconducting supercollider is, sweetie, but just at the moment Daddy is watching 'America's Most Wanted.'"

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

'Apparently the poor love's walkman is broken.'

Children Demand Parental Term Limits.

Dad’s Homework Assignment

'It seems like only yesterday, you were just a slimy little maggot.'

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

'When I think of all the men I could've married...'

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

"Ask not for whom the baby cries; it cries for thee. Specifically, thee’s milk."

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

'...And do you Colin, take Linda to be your cook, cleaner and main income provider?'

'Sometimes I think you only married me for my employer's spousal benefit health insurance coverage.'

"My daddy has a broken leg, so I need to mark his territory for him..."