Fatherhood Humorist Gifts

'It seems like only yesterday, you were just a slimy little maggot.'

"Oh come on Dad, you know I'm not VAT registered. Just give me my pocket money!"

"They said we might notice some changes a week before she went into labor...."

"Well, finally. You certainly took your sweet time getting here."

Baby Loser

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

"Have you seen my dad?"

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"Beds are not made for jumping on."

"Good news. It's a small pig."