Fatherhood Humorist Gifts

'It seems like only yesterday, you were just a slimy little maggot.'

"Oh come on Dad, you know I'm not VAT registered. Just give me my pocket money!"

"They said we might notice some changes a week before she went into labor...."

"Well, finally. You certainly took your sweet time getting here."

Baby Loser

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"Good news. It's a small pig."

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"Okay, you scared the babysitter...now get back in there and rinse off that toothpaste, and go to bed!"

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie