Fast-paced Job Enthusiast Gifts

'Your tests indicate that you have a very short attention span -- you should be either a short-order cook or a news anchorman.'

"I've seem an awful lot of movies ever since they cut them all down to two minutes."

'It could have been worse...she might have chosen banking.'

"Are you willing to work the night shift?"

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

The world's most unemployable family

"Todd was glad he had a support animal."

Over enthusiastic headhunter

'Going back to work now that the kids are grown is one thing, Martha. Mounting a hostile takeover bid of my company is another!'

'Nice work, kid. Looks like you might be ready to sit up at the big boys' table.'

'Get out there and keep your job!'

'We can't find a pond small enough where you'd be a big fish.'

'hard work and more hard work got me where I am today...Not my hard work of course.'

Now hiring.

"Excuse me, Mr Newton, but some of the employees think that your promotion has gone to your head."

'What else do you have going for you besides being aggressive?'

'Of course you can make a great career here! Look at me - when I started working, I was just called 'dude'. Now, only 25 years later, they call me 'MISTER dude'!'

"And someday, when you're a little further up the corporate ladder, maybe we'll let you meet J.R. himself!"

"You come highly recommended. I like that."

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate. I'm flexible on location - I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume. I don't think you understand what that mwans. The octopus got the job because he's a great multitasker!

"I can handle a wide variety of work. In fact I've had ten different jobs in four months."

'Introducing one of our top salesmen despite his old age. . .'

'The Dow finally hit 10,000. Guess happy days are here again.'

"Tell us something we don't know."

"That's not all I do. Actually I'm a psychological counselor- gymnast-motivational speaker-relaxation therapist-sex worker."

Dexter Flynn, Taxidermy Attorney.

You are more than your job description.

'You don't have much of a work history, do you, Mr. Laren?'

'I'm willing to pay a hiring bonus to anyone who will hire me.'

Lying on your CV

"I like my job. It keeps me alive."

"...I'm available for interview, at your convenience!"

"I may have exaggerated a bit about coming up with a cure for cancer."

'And what do you do for a living Gary?' 'I'm a Puppeteer.'

'You're not quite what we had in mind.'