Fan Of Gallows Humor Gifts

"Look, it’s my job. Besides, I actually liked your mother."

'Oh, quit whimpering -- Anybody would think that you're the only king in the world who every got his head chopped off'

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"The prostate biopsy shows your pain threshold is much higher than normal."

He was different from the other doctors. For one thing, he refused to play God.

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"They retired me. Just like that. Seems I'm no good over 55 mph anymore." "How does that make you feel?" "Like I want to bash my head against a wall!"

Pet Cemetery.

"Don’t you think it’s about time you stopped insisting on your uncle Bill being here for Christmas?"

"Without question the funniest patient I’ve ever lost."

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

"We have a favor to ask."

"I feel terrible admitting this, but I'm sort of glad he's dead. One less thing to keep track of."

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"And the hiring committee was very impressed with your no nonsense attitude during the interview."

Chicken Funeral Planning.

"Dig deep! C'mon! You got this!"

"Oh, don't mind me..I'm a little early. Just go about your business...pretend I'm not here.

"Well, if you don’t want to discuss exposure, drowning or sharks, what do you want to talk about?"

"A modest proposal: Why not arm the Trump administration for their own safety?"

"Just between you and me, he was a road kill."

"So laughter isn't the best medicine..."

"Wait, what?"

Fresh Blood In Politics

'This had better be important, I'm in the middle of a conference call!'

'Sorry, we're shorthanded - please pass over the scalpel...'

"As a vegan vampire I suck but I don't swallow."

Your body initially rejected the new kidney, but after we pumped you full of liquor, your body found the new kidney kind of attractive. We'll see what happens in the morning, though.

'If I hear one more person say 'Just a little of the top' I'm going to lose it!'

'3 pints of lager, 2 gin and tonic, 1 vodka and coke and a replacement liver.'

"Is that your resting witch or resting bitch face. . .?"

"There, there. Try to remember how much he annoyed you."

Man in the stocks on his typewriter.

Finish Line