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'I can't make it tonight. I have to attend my mother's lecture series on responsibility.'

Vehicles are having their own election. These are the candidates. The ambulance appeals to voters who think health care is most important. Voters focusing on education issues favor the school bus. And those wanting family-friendly policies are backing the minivan. The tractor is an expert on agricultural issues, and the import is a free trade advocate. Those voters concerned about environmental issues like the electric hybrid, and those wanting a strong military support the Jeep. What's t

$1: Family Secrets

"It's his emotional support animal."

"Your resume says that you've got your Ph.D., your M.B.A. and that you've worked as a C.F.O. and C.E.O. but that your most important title and position has been M.O.M.?"

"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

"I appreciate that you brought me to 'Take our daughters to work day' all those years ago, dad, but I still have to let you go!"

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

"Mom said mopping up my snow tracks is a good start for my bucket list."

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

"We need to have a serious talk."

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

'A mother complex! Are you sure?'

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'I blame my parents, they never set me any standards worth rebelling against.'

Going into the relationship, Tom knew Loretta was a package deal.

'When the baby sitter gets a standing ovation, I don't know whether to be pleasantly surprised or suspicious.'

"Just because your mother devoured your siblings and not you didn't mean she valued you any less. She was just full."

"I didn't hear the full story, but you came from either the stork or ebay."

"He's feeling neglected. Should we text him?"

Are we going to raise her as a cat person or a dog person?

Junior's Towel

"How do you like our new smart water hose? It knows when you're dirty and hoses you off before you come into the house."

"You know something doc, he weirdly kind of resembles you."

"Think you could teach your kid to throw straight?"

'I know we hadn't planned on getting a bigger car until we had kids, but I think we need one now to accommodate the bumper-stickers.'

'They sort of grow on you.'

"Why, it's Daphne—home from Foxcroft."

"She's one of those bad mothers who say they're bad mothers but think they're good mothers."

"Do you think he's taking this security blanket thing a bit too seriously?"

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I might find the colostrum?"

'For Peter's Home and Careers class, he has to take care of this computerized doll of a 23-year-old son who won't move out of the house.'

"Don't fight us, Timmy. We have numerical superiority."

Genealogy Service. Family Trees Traced. I discovered that not only are you heir to an unclaimed family fortune, but I'm your long lost brother Wally!

"I investigated your husband, Mrs Adams. He isn't cheating on you. In fact, I'm your husband. We've just really lost touch recently."