Family Issues Investigator Pillows

'I can't make it tonight. I have to attend my mother's lecture series on responsibility.'

$1: Family Secrets

"It's his emotional support animal."

"Your resume says that you've got your Ph.D., your M.B.A. and that you've worked as a C.F.O. and C.E.O. but that your most important title and position has been M.O.M.?"

"They're born into captivity, it's all they know."

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

"We need to have a serious talk."

"Mom said mopping up my snow tracks is a good start for my bucket list."

'A mother complex! Are you sure?'

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'I blame my parents, they never set me any standards worth rebelling against.'

Going into the relationship, Tom knew Loretta was a package deal.

'When the baby sitter gets a standing ovation, I don't know whether to be pleasantly surprised or suspicious.'

"He's feeling neglected. Should we text him?"

"How do you like our new smart water hose? It knows when you're dirty and hoses you off before you come into the house."

"Think you could teach your kid to throw straight?"

'I know we hadn't planned on getting a bigger car until we had kids, but I think we need one now to accommodate the bumper-stickers.'

Junior's Towel

"You know something doc, he weirdly kind of resembles you."

'They sort of grow on you.'

"Why, it's Daphne—home from Foxcroft."

"It's a cereal box. It's not supposed to be interactive!"

"If Heather has two mommies, and each of them has two brothers, and one of those brothers has another man for a 'roommate,' how many uncles does Heather have?"

"Do you think he's taking this security blanket thing a bit too seriously?"

"Hey, don't forget man's best friend!"

'Instead of a baby sister, Dear, Daddy and I will give you your choice between kitten or puppy.'

"Don't fight us, Timmy. We have numerical superiority."

"She's one of those bad mothers who say they're bad mothers but think they're good mothers."