Family Harmony Seekers Gifts

"Relax, grandpa. The quarterback is taking a knee to run out the clock."

"The kids love it, and it's saved my marriage."

Musical Accompaniment to Household Chores.

'Davinia! Your Feng Shui person's here.'

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

"Well, your feng shui isn't my feng shui."

Separation Anxiety

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

Do you mind if my mother joins our little business dinner ? You know what it's like, I don't want people from the office to think I'm sleeping my way to the top.

'Not bad. Already 17 minutes into Saturday morning before I receive my first ultimatum.'

A woman's work is never done!

'Other than no dognip or an indoor bathroom, I enjoy being a dog.'

'Your wife doesn't understand you. . .'

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

"I know it's 3 a.m. but don't you think this is a good time to discuss spending the holidays with my mother."

"I love spending time together as a family. It brings us together. It makes us stronger. It helps us understand each other."

Magic Carpet Cleaning

Looks like I do dishes again.

'You're always taking the fun out of everything!'

"Everybody in the whole damn household is alpha."

The Cricket on the Hearth - Title-page to the first edition

'My Graham is very house-proud.'

'Will these glasses help him see things my way?'

Blanket Pull

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.'

'Wait, put that back where it was. Let's see how the scratching post looks in this corner.'

"I investigated your husband, Mrs Adams. He isn't cheating on you. In fact, I'm your husband. We've just really lost touch recently."

"I apologize for the mess."

"Even after all these years, I still find it very exciting using my vote to cancel out your father's."

'Let's at least give the parabolic mattress a try - the Thompsons swear it saved their marriage.'

"You go right on snoring, doesn’t bother me one bit. Your snores are beautiful, do you know that? I love snoring…not like some people."

Theirs and Theirs

"Honey, please! I can’t concentrate with you in there being married to me!"

'Do you, Edward, promise to play second fiddle and also pay the piper?'

"Roommates"