Family Harmony Advocate Pillows

'Unconscionable criminals, counselor...deadbeat grandparents.'

"The kids love it, and it's saved my marriage."

"Your resume says that you've got your Ph.D., your M.B.A. and that you've worked as a C.F.O. and C.E.O. but that your most important title and position has been M.O.M.?"

"You're adopted."

Separation Anxiety

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

"It's important to women that a man has a good relationship with his mother."

"Relax, grandpa. The quarterback is taking a knee to run out the clock."

Going into the relationship, Tom knew Loretta was a package deal.

'He had a tough time fishing today,'

'Other than no dognip or an indoor bathroom, I enjoy being a dog.'

"I love spending time together as a family. It brings us together. It makes us stronger. It helps us understand each other."

"That's it! You've watched TV out here long enough! We need to spend more family time together! I'm putting this thing in the closet!"

"Everybody in the whole damn household is alpha."

Magic Carpet Cleaning

'I know we hadn't planned on getting a bigger car until we had kids, but I think we need one now to accommodate the bumper-stickers.'

"Tia Carmen, is this our house or is it our home?"

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.'

"Harold, have you reaped huge gains that you have not told me about?"

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

3 Easy Christmas Crafts

'You told me to put away the groceries.'

Musical washing

Woman is on computer searching a website for lost socks.

'Have you ever seen that TV ad, 'Help, I'm sitting around gossiping and can't shut up', Timmy?'

"Sorry, but my mum doesn't want me to invite friends over: She's kind of ashamed we live in a pigsty..."

"Dad, sparklers are for kids!"

"I'm not allowed to come out and play. I was being good, but I relapsed."

'I can't take the stress test next week. I have to go to the pool with my grandson and show him how to do a one-and-a-half gainer of the high diving board.'

'A toast to the graduate. You're in a class by yourself.'

"The secret to a good marriage son is to do most of the spring cleaning..."

Leaving family

Pet owner to pets in chair: 'We need to come up with some kind of time-sharing system.'