Family Harmony Advocate Pillows

'Unconscionable criminals, counselor...deadbeat grandparents.'

"The kids love it, and it's saved my marriage."

"Your resume says that you've got your Ph.D., your M.B.A. and that you've worked as a C.F.O. and C.E.O. but that your most important title and position has been M.O.M.?"

"You're adopted."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

Separation Anxiety

"Relax, grandpa. The quarterback is taking a knee to run out the clock."

"It's important to women that a man has a good relationship with his mother."

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

Ever wonder why we debated what color fridge to buy?

Going into the relationship, Tom knew Loretta was a package deal.

'He had a tough time fishing today,'

'Other than no dognip or an indoor bathroom, I enjoy being a dog.'

"I love spending time together as a family. It brings us together. It makes us stronger. It helps us understand each other."

'I know we hadn't planned on getting a bigger car until we had kids, but I think we need one now to accommodate the bumper-stickers.'

Magic Carpet Cleaning

"Everybody in the whole damn household is alpha."

"That's it! You've watched TV out here long enough! We need to spend more family time together! I'm putting this thing in the closet!"

"Tia Carmen, is this our house or is it our home?"

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.'

"Harold, have you reaped huge gains that you have not told me about?"

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

'You told me to put away the groceries.'

Woman is on computer searching a website for lost socks.

3 Easy Christmas Crafts

Musical washing

"Remember, technically, it's not lying if you tell your mother I was teaching you how to drive."

'I can't take the stress test next week. I have to go to the pool with my grandson and show him how to do a one-and-a-half gainer of the high diving board.'

"The secret to a good marriage son is to do most of the spring cleaning..."

"Sorry, but my mum doesn't want me to invite friends over: She's kind of ashamed we live in a pigsty..."

'A toast to the graduate. You're in a class by yourself.'

"Dad, sparklers are for kids!"

'Have you ever seen that TV ad, 'Help, I'm sitting around gossiping and can't shut up', Timmy?'

"I'm not allowed to come out and play. I was being good, but I relapsed."

Leaving family