Family Harmony Enthusiast Pillows

"I'm not allowed to come out and play. I was being good, but I relapsed."

"The kids love it, and it's saved my marriage."

Separation Anxiety

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

"Relax, grandpa. The quarterback is taking a knee to run out the clock."

"I'm going to be vacuuming, if you want to go into the farthest room and start asking me questions."

"I wish you'd get more in touch with your masculine side, Robert"

'Other than no dognip or an indoor bathroom, I enjoy being a dog.'

"I love spending time together as a family. It brings us together. It makes us stronger. It helps us understand each other."

Magic Carpet Cleaning

"Everybody in the whole damn household is alpha."

"It's your turn to throw out the dishes."

'No madam, the seat does not keep falling down, to the annoyance of male users, would you like one that does?'

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.'

"You both agreeing to mediation is a good start. So, your master, Rex, and your mistress, Felix, have decided to get married."

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

'If your mom's not happy then nobody's happy, right dad.'

Musical washing

Woman is on computer searching a website for lost socks.

'You told me to put away the groceries.'

'How about we get this closet organizer as a together gift?'

'Just because your father and I have decided to get married doesn't mean we love you any less.'

Singing

"It's not so much spring cleaning as it is 'My mom is visiting for Mother's Day' cleaning."

You' ll pleased to know that I'm in complete harmony with my bowels.

"That's fine. I've learned to enjoy TV with no sound when we're at odds."

"The secret to a good marriage son is to do most of the spring cleaning..."

"Sorry, but my mum doesn't want me to invite friends over: She's kind of ashamed we live in a pigsty..."

"What are you complaining about? When I met you, you were living in a one-room apartment."

Pet owner to pets in chair: 'We need to come up with some kind of time-sharing system.'

"In my opinion, nothing promotes family harmony like caller I.D."

'Why do you never change these things out when they're empty? They're not an infinite scroll.'

'And that is how you put the toilet seat down. There will be a quiz on Friday'.

'I didn't realize how much I missed her until I ran out of clean clothes and dishes.'

'I've been thinking - if you're allowed to quote your memorable sayings, I should be allowed to quote my memorable retorts.'