Family Harmony Enthusiast Pillows

"I'm not allowed to come out and play. I was being good, but I relapsed."

"The kids love it, and it's saved my marriage."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

Separation Anxiety

"Relax, grandpa. The quarterback is taking a knee to run out the clock."

Mr. Briggs' Pleasures of Housekeeping, part 1

"I'm going to be vacuuming, if you want to go into the farthest room and start asking me questions."

"I wish you'd get more in touch with your masculine side, Robert"

'Other than no dognip or an indoor bathroom, I enjoy being a dog.'

"I love spending time together as a family. It brings us together. It makes us stronger. It helps us understand each other."

"It's your turn to throw out the dishes."

"Everybody in the whole damn household is alpha."

Magic Carpet Cleaning

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.'

'No madam, the seat does not keep falling down, to the annoyance of male users, would you like one that does?'

"You both agreeing to mediation is a good start. So, your master, Rex, and your mistress, Felix, have decided to get married."

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

Musical washing

Woman is on computer searching a website for lost socks.

'You told me to put away the groceries.'

'If your mom's not happy then nobody's happy, right dad.'

'How about we get this closet organizer as a together gift?'

"What are you complaining about? When I met you, you were living in a one-room apartment."

"It's not so much spring cleaning as it is 'My mom is visiting for Mother's Day' cleaning."

'Just because your father and I have decided to get married doesn't mean we love you any less.'

"The secret to a good marriage son is to do most of the spring cleaning..."

"That's fine. I've learned to enjoy TV with no sound when we're at odds."

You' ll pleased to know that I'm in complete harmony with my bowels.

"Sorry, but my mum doesn't want me to invite friends over: She's kind of ashamed we live in a pigsty..."

Singing

Pet owner to pets in chair: 'We need to come up with some kind of time-sharing system.'

'Why do you never change these things out when they're empty? They're not an infinite scroll.'

'And that is how you put the toilet seat down. There will be a quiz on Friday'.

"In my opinion, nothing promotes family harmony like caller I.D."

Ethel's offer to iron out Ned's problems turned out to be a problem in and of itself....