Family Expectations Analyst Gifts

Psychiatry. My dad doesn't appreciate how hard it is to follow in his footsteps

'Oh, nothing's wrong -- I just expected Earthlings to be taller, that's all.'

"I thought there would be bacon here."

Common Core Family Therapy

"I appreciate that you brought me to 'Take our daughters to work day' all those years ago, dad, but I still have to let you go!"

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'I blame my parents, they never set me any standards worth rebelling against.'

"It looked better on pinterest."

"Just because your mother devoured your siblings and not you didn't mean she valued you any less. She was just full."

"He's feeling neglected. Should we text him?"

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

'They sort of grow on you.'

The vacation rental agency is saying technically that's a "lap pool," so we can't get our money back.

"Typical, you knew my mother was coming today, so you had to have a big meal to be torpid for a few days!"

"She's one of those bad mothers who say they're bad mothers but think they're good mothers."

'Well, what did you expect?'

"Let's talk about your overprotective mother."

"Don't fight us, Timmy. We have numerical superiority."

"Meet your new baby brother! We decided to upgrade."

"Oh no, not dinner again!"

"Our little girl is growing up - this very morning she told me she hates me."

"I'm getting to know the staff better. You're my son, aren't you?"

'It would have been easier to prove your father was of sound mind when he wrote this will if he hadn't written it on the headed notepaper of the psychiatric hospital in which he'd been sectioned.'

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

"I don't know what's worse - my helicopter mom or her drone."

"Use your indoor gun."

"Well, who's it from? I don't take blind submissions."

"What's it like to have sexually active parents?"

"Run to the store and buy me a tub of ketchup!"

"Everyone wants to know what Jesus would do. No one ever asks how Jesus is feeling about his complicated relationship with his father."