Family Dynamics Decoder Gifts

"My parent's think I'm apathetic, but I don't care."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'Sure, go ahead! Evolve! It's all the rage, I know! Have fun! I'll just sit here in this murky, primordial soup with nothing but plankton for company. Why should you stay here with your mother? The one who raised you, fed you...'

A kangeroo and it's baby read books about understanding each other.

'I demand a DNA test.'

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"Dear? The toothpaste is on the top shelf. Don't touch the tube on the bottom shelf, that's Grandma's triple strength epoxy denture adhesive."

"Papa Bear was too much, Mama Bear wasn't enough, and I always had to be just right."

Common Core Family Therapy

"Having nannies really changes you."

'Dad, when do I stop being a wholly owned subsidy of you and Mom?'

He wanted a different one.

What are we doing today? Installing raised beds. Then we'll plant them for a couple who want organic vegetables. Brilliant, Dad. Tree's Tree Nursery. You take the hard work out of gardening. Right. And give it to me! Right again!

'We're doing the right thing, Bob, Let Andy solve problems with bullies at school his own way,,,'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'She knew we'd try to talk her-out of it.'

"Attention, wanna-be son-in-law ... we're losing!"

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

"Mom, are you sure I'm not adopted?"

Origins Of Evolution

"But I brought you here so I wouldn't have to play with you."

"So this is the Mr. Waring who has made such a great impression on my little girl."

"We're going to the park to size up the competition."

'Who the heck told my wife I had rights to parental leave?'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'Simple case of gravity, mom.'

I think it's time he left home.'

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

'A mother complex! Are you sure?'

"If it slows down, just ask my father about the murder he always swears he did not commit."

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

"She may be awhile. Her mother's helping her park."

"If you see this as motherly advice, we have a whole new subject to explore."

'We're playing I'm a mummy with lots of different daddies.'

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'