Family Dinner Defender Gifts

Hey, what did we tell you? No phone at dinnertime, unless you're soliciting money for our bogus charity.

Life with a professional baseball catcher.

'‘Because I said so' or ‘Just wait until you have kids of your own' section?'

"Who ordered the double chocolate parfait with a cherry on top?"

'But Mom, I like potatoes in their jackets.'

"I'm afraid the challah got a little burnt this week."

'I'm worried about him, he eats his vegetables, but not his dessert!'

'Protein, starch, vegetable??? When you said 'square meal' I thought PIZZA IN A BOX!'

"Oh, mournful and terrible engine of horror and crime—of agony and of death, not asparagus again!"

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"Tia Carmen's not happy unless she can send people away with a plate of leftovers for the road."

Newton had actually discovered gravity at a family dinner in his early childhood.

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

"I hope we can sell everything before it's time for mom to make dinner."

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.' (at restaurant with three kids)

"I grabbed it away from Larry and seasoned it properly just in time. It's a rescue meatloaf."

Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!

'I hope you all like stuffing.'

'Hurry up you guys! I'm about to serve dinner!'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

"It's so nice to gather and enjoy a simple home-cooked meal together."

'As soon as your mother is through laundering the money we'll go out to eat.'

"And that's where hot dogs come from."

"Dad's dinner really is melt-in-your-mouth...it's half frozen!"

"I thought we agreed that the dining room was a buffer zone."

"Fridge-to-table"

'We thank you for this food and ask you to protect us from pesticides, additives and preservatives.'

'Could I trade all of this for more of that?'

"If you liked tonight's meal, you might enjoy 'Making The Meal,' a documentary with outtakes and commentary when the cook ran out of eggs because someone put an empty carton back in the refrigerator..."

"Michael, do your dinner."

'For the last time, Megan, she won a blue ribbon at the Imperial Valley Fair... I mean, my hands are tied here.'

"Mom, Eugene picked all the peanuts off the pizza!"

'For once can't we all just sit down and eat as a family?'

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

'My daddy thinks you're really funny. He's always telling mommy about the clown he works for!'