Family Counselors Gifts

"Poor thing. All she knows is war."

Weekday Morning Hell Bingo

'Progress of a bookshelf'

T"ruly, Susan, I envy no man."

"No, no - it was great. It's just that sometime I'd like to try it missionary style."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

Relationship Warning Lights

"You've changed."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"I love it when we clear up issues between us."

"When I ask questions, I expect answers!"

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

"Each order comes with 10 minutes of free guilt counseling."

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

"How do I love thee….? Let me count the ways…" "I'm going to want a recount."

'I prefer the term 'whistleblower' to tattletale.'

"Freud doesn't work for you, so I', going to try some Dr. Anthony Fauci..."

Common Core Family Therapy

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

"You're completely screwed up."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"I don’t know how many ways I can explain it. One morning you’ll just wake up and know that you’re in love."

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

What Guys Say and What They Mean,

"My brother thinks he's a chicken... He's crazy."

'...till death, or a really huge argument over ringtones, do you part.'