Family Advice Enthusiast Pillows

'It's best not to talk behind other people's back's, son. But if you must, the place to do it is in the media.'

"Feel free to take notes."

'Feel free to get a second opinion. I can give you the number to my mom.'

"Grandmom told me "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." I told her that has medical malpractice written all over it!"

"I'm in big trouble. The dog ate my homework, and Dad ate my science project."

"...some of these tadpoles may not be yours."

'Hey Holly, Watch! Biscuit can catch a ginger snap in mid-air!!'

'You say that he's so good that you 'Don't know you've got him', so what's the point of him?'

"He followed me home...finally!"

"I told you this would happen once you let her sleep on the bed."

Fertility Clinic

"It's good for you. It has lots of vitamin D."

"...Mom, can you get me a glass of wine?"

"DOES YOUR DAD ALWAYS GO ON ABOUT SOME STUFF THAT DOESN'T GROW ON TREES."

"i finally got around to reading the 'Having A Baby' books."

'Why is it I can see what needs doing around here and you can't? . . . I know what cures that. . . 'Chores-ercise'.'

'How do you expect them to treat you in a mature way with that thing in your mouth?'

Kid reader to librarian about 'Parenting' book: 'This didn't tell me anything about how to deal with parents.'

"We should consider something other than the condom."

'Or retired.'

Teddy, do you know why I'm here? Want to, umm, ask me anything? So! That wraps it up! How did your "birds and bees" talk go? I answered all his questions.

"I told you not to have that boob job."

'Said once, and never again!'

"Could you all please just listen to my sermon instead of asking me what I would do?"

"I'm confused....you always say not to take candy from strangers, but tonight you tell me to go to strangers and ask for candy!"

"You told him he should start his own business."

'There's no easy way for me to tell you this Brad, so I'll just say it... I'm... I'm pregnant.'

‘Sat too close to the TV;’ ‘Stared at the Sun For an Hour,’ ‘Put Out My Eye With a BB Gun.’

Man launches a condom catapult at the baby carrying stork.

"No thanks! My dad said those things will kill you!"

"If you have a boyfriend, I have some advice, young lady! Wisdom that's been handed down from generation to generation!"

Kate's Evil Plan: 'I convinced her that good behavior is a stealth tactic that'll help her reach her goal to one day rule the world.'

"You just wait until your father gets home and adjusts your algorithm!"

Freak Family - please don't be looking at me...

'You're not losing a daughter, Dad, you're gaining a son.' 'You're still moving out, right?!'