Family Advice Gifts

'Feel free to get a second opinion. I can give you the number to my mom.'

"Grandmom told me "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." I told her that has medical malpractice written all over it!"

"I told you not to touch it. I should've used your language and told you not to click on it."

'He never listened to his mother!'

"...some of these tadpoles may not be yours."

'Oh, we don't actually teach math any more ? we found it was too hard on the kids' self-esteem.'

'It's best not to talk behind other people's back's, son. But if you must, the place to do it is in the media.'

"What's your question for 'Ask Sadie'?" "My mom's in a nursing home. I think someone's stealing her jewelry." "What's the matter, you're afraid someone is stealing your inheritance?" "Simple solution: Send your mother to Japan, where their entire culture reveres the elderly." "Sayonara, grandma!!!" "Are you sure that's not just a stereotype?" "Who cares?!"

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

'My mom just explained babies to me. I'm not sure, but I think I'm a bird and you're a bee.'

'How do you expect them to treat you in a mature way with that thing in your mouth?'

Kid reader to librarian about 'Parenting' book: 'This didn't tell me anything about how to deal with parents.'

'Excluding our little granddaughter who called me 'orrible old smellypops!'

'I don't mind them, but I would like to see my daughter getting married to one of them!'

A Victorian park.

"And I suppose if your friends all jumped off a cliff you'd follow right along?"

"Soup should be seen and not heard!"

"Of course, you've always set a good example for me ... that's why you embarrass me so much."

"I'm confused....you always say not to take candy from strangers, but tonight you tell me to go to strangers and ask for candy!"

"You told him he should start his own business."

"If you have a boyfriend, I have some advice, young lady! Wisdom that's been handed down from generation to generation!"

‘Sat too close to the TV;’ ‘Stared at the Sun For an Hour,’ ‘Put Out My Eye With a BB Gun.’

"Mother, I get enough pressure from my peer group without getting it from you."

"No thanks! My dad said those things will kill you!"

"If you had listened to me when you were twelve, you wouldn't be in this mess."

"You're getting older now. We need to discuss the Pterodactyles and the bees."

Street Bubbes

"My kids understand me. I've offered them the same disadvantages I grew up with."

"Look, Alice, if you're unhappy with your life, just do what I do: whisper you wants and needs into a cloth napkin, then crumple it up and put it in your lap."

'Can you give me a younger brother? I'm ready to delegate the responsibilities of my chores.'

'You did a great job explaining the 'birds and bees.' Try your hand at the 'empty nest.''

'Don't you realize, Jason, that when you throw furniture out of the window and tie your sister to a tree, you make Mommy and Daddy very sad.'

'Don't be silly. Storks don't leave babies at homes. They leave them at hospitals.'