Failure Aficionado Pillows

"Of course failure is an option; I use it all the time!"

"I see you also took the road less travelled!"

'Soulless fruit flies are the nanotechnology of the fear industry.'

Belated Birthday Cards

"No, I'm scarier."

Conrad Black will be unable to do his investment club's tax returns this year.

'Remember me, Fred? I sat next to you in class. I'm the one you said would never amount to anything.'

What do you mean it's not vegetarian? The maggots all jump out...

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

Sorry You Were Out - Will Call Again.

I love Horror Films

"I'm trying to decide between a cocktail with a cute name and one that's blatantly sexual."

'I told you this would happen if you kept leaving your clothes on the floor.'

'Can I have access to your ability to achieve?'

"How about that? Is Cruz a collector?"

'I wonder why we geeks don't get more women?'

Bertrand Russell.

'We'll be back, after this commercial break, with more reasons why its not safe to leave your house.'

"Hi everyone, and welcome to this TED talk on how not to run a business. . ."

"I like to think that, in my own little way, I played a significant role in the overall advancement of human folly!"

Men wearing loud shirts are the first loaded onto airplane.

Orville was so close the landing the big accounts.

A man's instant camera picture falls into his soup.

"I'm starting to think she doesn't want that ball."

Clancy: Never Making the Same Mistake Twice

"I've succeeded through brains, diligence, and I guess a little luck."

'Not that impressive once you realize they all say 'Participant'.'

"Doing something never solves anything."

"Hi, there. I'm Dick. Are you seeing anyone?"

Kicker hits too hard.

The disaster that is crotchless beekeeping outfits...

A fright of spiders

Flopsy wakes up one day and suddenly realizes why she never succeeded at anything.