Expecting Humor Gifts

You and your alternative pregnancy.

'I felt it put it's little boot in then!'

The circus diver.

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

Congratulations! When are you due?

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

'It's one of life's little miracles!'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

"Amazing. For the fifth consecutive month the polling shows I'm the most popular foetus here."

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Break Water'

Man on desert island sees tightrope walker on horizon.

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

"I never realized trying to have a baby would mean replacing the soft music and candlelight with an ovulation strip, a thermometer, and a starter pistol."

'Oh no! We're being spammed again!'

No, when I said "Who has Van Gogh's ear?" I was asking whose advice he follows.

'I seem to be very conservative but secretly, I'm a rebel - I don't wear pants.'

'Wait, breathe or don't breathe? Oh jeez, why did I have to sleep through Lamaze class?'

Antiques roadshow: 'Yes it's definitely Silver'

'We've decided to give the baby a great start in the job market by naming him Doctor.'

Axel, as long as you're going to the kitchen, would you get me a beer? I'm sorry, Lance, but the comic strip code forbids teen wolverines from handling beer

O'Leary's Monuments

"Oh, oh!!"

'Not that sort of pool party.'

"That was the vet - the cat's pregnant, not me."

"Unexpected Spanish Inquisition in bagging area ..."

"It's okay mate, I only need the cork from your bottle."

'I encourage natural childbirth - gently coaxing the baby into the world. If that fails, I go with brute force and intimidation.'

Cleaning Pig 'They're actually very clean animals.'

"Except for that time he pecked my eyes out he's been a good bird."

'Philosophize!'

'The hunger pains are only one T.V. commercial apart.'

'We want to thank you, Doc...The bag worked!'

"Your baby should be arriving on this date. I just emailed you the tracking number."

Desert crawler sees 'No Crawling' sign.

'I'm being let go. Twenty years I give this place, and that's the thanks I get.'