Expecting Humor Gifts

You and your alternative pregnancy.

'I felt it put it's little boot in then!'

The circus diver.

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

'WOW, congratulations, Ma'am! You're having Quads!'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

'It's one of life's little miracles!'

"Amazing. For the fifth consecutive month the polling shows I'm the most popular foetus here."

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Break Water'

Man on desert island sees tightrope walker on horizon.

"Childbirth just isn't keeping pace with modern marketing. We still don't come with a manufacturing warranty.

'Oh no! We're being spammed again!'

"I never realized trying to have a baby would mean replacing the soft music and candlelight with an ovulation strip, a thermometer, and a starter pistol."

'I seem to be very conservative but secretly, I'm a rebel - I don't wear pants.'

'Wait, breathe or don't breathe? Oh jeez, why did I have to sleep through Lamaze class?'

Antiques roadshow: 'Yes it's definitely Silver'

"Oh, oh!!"

O'Leary's Monuments

'We've decided to give the baby a great start in the job market by naming him Doctor.'

'Not that sort of pool party.'

"It's okay mate, I only need the cork from your bottle."

"Unexpected Spanish Inquisition in bagging area ..."

'I encourage natural childbirth - gently coaxing the baby into the world. If that fails, I go with brute force and intimidation.'

Cleaning Pig 'They're actually very clean animals.'

'The hunger pains are only one T.V. commercial apart.'

'Philosophize!'

"Except for that time he pecked my eyes out he's been a good bird."

'We want to thank you, Doc...The bag worked!'

Desert crawler sees 'No Crawling' sign.

"Your baby should be arriving on this date. I just emailed you the tracking number."

'I'm being let go. Twenty years I give this place, and that's the thanks I get.'

"It's OK, honey — remember, you're resenting for two now."