Exhausted Entertainer Gifts

"Archie always understands when I tell him I'm dog tired."

Uncle demonstrating chemical experiments to children

"The new revenue stream is finally kicking in."

'You've got the Vietnam 1000 yard stare. All new parents get it!'

"Son, I've asked Mr. Puffer to instruct you on the finer points of classical as your new tooter."

Thanksgiving Turkey Fortune: "Why the silence?"

Parenting is... watching them sleep.

'As I feared, the X-ray shows that you are crying inside.'

'Is he dead, or is it intern fatigue?'

Warning Wisecracks or good-natured barbs alcohol maybe hazardous to your health,

Flamo the Fire Eater offering light to female bar patron

"O.K., so no animals were harmed, but were they adequately compensated?"

'I'm home from a mind-numbing day at the office, ready to watch some mind-numbing TV.'

"We outsourced our joyless TV dinners to a delightful couple from next door."

"Unless you can prove their training was cruelty-free, you don't have a chance in this business."

Mime artist - "Ok! I'll talk!"

What am I doing? Oh just a little TBC. You know, Taking Care of Bailout.

Magic Trick

Robert Mitchum

'We're both dog-tired.'

A women sound asleep on her exercise bike clutches an energy bar while the floor is littered with empty energy drinks, energy bars, and energy powder containers.

'I had a wonderful evening and I'm really sorry Ed's still looking for a parking spot.'

In a perfect world, bean counters would only count beans.

Ventriloquist and his dummy both on mobile phones.

"Anywhere....anywhere where they haven't even heard of Brexit!"

You've reached Randy, the Dating Doctor. What ails you? I'm friends with this girl … She's all I can think about. I treat her way better than the guys she dates, but she doesn't even know I'm alive. Of course she knows you're alive. You're the potted houseplant in the corner of her life. Do you understand what I'm telling you? That it's only a matter of time til it's my turn? You're more like a Venus Flytrap.

Employee Evaluation - I'm sorry, but we have stopped animal testing.

I'm #1 written on top of piano.

'...my next guest has been described as an extrovert..a hell raiser..a man of many suprises...'

'When do they actually start playing the Baseball?'

"Too late. I already put the TV to bed."

"They never showed up-they were the perfect guests."

"For my next encore, I would like to play another piece written specially for me."

Two women blowing air kisses.