Exhausted Dad Pillows

'Shouldn't you be out in line...'

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

'I don't have time for throwing up.'

"My wife is about to have a baby, so I was wondering if you could make me work late for the next eighteen years or so."

"How are you getting on with your new baby?"

"I'm not against having more children, I'd just like to finish with this one first."

"The economy doesn’t make me half as nervous as my kids do."

Parenting is... watching them sleep.

'It's ironic really. We love kids most when they are unconscious!'

"Pick two! Staying abreast of the rapidly evolving global pandemic and what it means for your middle-class suburban life. Creating holiday memories that your kids will treasure throughout their lifetimes. Remembering to eat a vegetable."

'Whoever said practice makes perfect never had kids with drum sets.'

'First thing in the morning I'm ringing the school about the amount of homework he's getting.'

After years of shuttling teenagers around, Gina started hallucinating that she was morphing into a Chrysler minivan.

"It's either "Bring your kid to work" day or it's "Drop of handbag in kindergarten" day today?"

"I'd be happy if I got half the attention and was half as clever as my kids' smartphones."

'For God's sake, Tom, just let her cry - I can't stand your singing any longer.'

The Husband Caddie

'With a boss, a wife and three teenaged kids, I haven't had much time to worry about international affairs.'

Give me whatever and make it fast. What? What do you mean? My wife gave me ten minutes of freedom for Father's Day. And I burned through three of those just sprinting over here. We have four children and a fifth one any day now. She's tired in bed so I'm on 24/7 kid duty. I haven't left the house, taken a shower, or gone potty by myself since 2015. My ear hairs are skinny secret babies that whisper to me at night that I may be going insane. So for Father's Day, my loving wife granted me ten flee

'Maybe tomorrow.'

'You must've really been tired last night. You put the diaper on the dog.'

'What?... You're my wife and son?... Boy, do I need to have these photos updated!'

"Sometimes I wish I could clone myself."

Even in retirement, Moses kept his 'chops' up.

'That little fella has quite a burp on him!'

Daddy is busy right now. Why don't you ask your cell phone?

A women sound asleep on her exercise bike clutches an energy bar while the floor is littered with empty energy drinks, energy bars, and energy powder containers.

"There is no 'snooze button'. Get up, it's your turn to see to the baby!"

"No! Instagram was enough! I don't want to know about Tik Tok!"

Low battery. 10% of battery remaining

"Having a new baby can make you feel a bit tired, sometimes you forget things."

"Honey, I've got to work late. Can you swing by and pick up the kids?"

Baby Trouble.