Busy Dad Pillows

Give me whatever and make it fast. What? What do you mean? My wife gave me ten minutes of freedom for Father's Day. And I burned through three of those just sprinting over here. We have four children and a fifth one any day now. She's tired in bed so I'm on 24/7 kid duty. I haven't left the house, taken a shower, or gone potty by myself since 2015. My ear hairs are skinny secret babies that whisper to me at night that I may be going insane. So for Father's Day, my loving wife granted me ten flee

Daddy is busy right now. Why don't you ask your cell phone?

'With a boss, a wife and three teenaged kids, I haven't had much time to worry about international affairs.'

You only have time for one: Choose your fighter - Exercise, Wash Your Hair, Eat, Breathe

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

Woman with kids at husbands office.

'I'm glad you're able to be with us more, but I'd appreciate it if you'd say you're 'spending time' with us, not 'doing time' with us.'

Believe it or not: Once upon a time Dads couldn't even boil water.

'I don't have time for throwing up.'

"Now, Mrs. Jones, repeat after me..."

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

Skateboard

'Who the heck told my wife I had rights to parental leave?'

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"I know, but all promises are off when Daddy's writing his grant proposals."

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

A father comes home from work and is given a baby.

"Stay-at-home Snowdad."

"If you get to be a stay-at-home dad, why can't I be a stay-at-home daughter?"

'I couldn't find any box filler so I shredded those tax documents on your desk.'

Daddy's Hook

'Your wife has had triplets. I suggest you go home and get some of the sleep you won't get in the next several years.'

"Do you really use all of the stuff on this school supply list?"

'We need a dog!'

You missed a spot!

"Here comes the airplane--once it gets clearance from the tower, which should be in another 45 minutes. Thank you for your patience."

Mind them while I go shopping and I'll give you 50 bucks extra!

"It was at this point that our wives left us."

Father's Day

'Who's gonna stay here and do my homework?'

"You mind if I sit here and yammer on while my kid does whatever he wants?"

'I'd like to see him do that with your cooking...'

Expectant father with sports goods - "It's a girl."

"Be there in a sec, darling. I just want to touch base with Tiffany."

'Let's play house. You be the stay-at-home dad, and I'll be the career mom.'